Become a good player in personal relationship

~ a good game is worth the effort

“I have nothing to say to you anymore!” What makes two people in a marriage or a partnership stop having feelings for each other and refuse to talk to each other?

Two people entering a marriage or a partnership are like two players in a tennis game, staring out with the expectation to have an intense engagement. Both players can accept the result of the game, no matter who wins.  Whoever serves the ball first will expect the other player to return the ball. The other player can expect the ball to be served within a reasonable boundary so that receiving the ball is possible.  Both players know that they will take turns in hitting one ball, instead of playing two balls at the same time.  At times a player can actually predict the serving point and proceed there and thus return a good hit. If both players want to carry on the rally, they will return a hit at the best location for the other player to easily return the ball. Thus, when the game is over, both players also experience a wonderful personal interaction with a feeling of friendship and closeness.

In a marriage or a partnership, a partner usually starts the conversation by sharing his/her day. Whether the experience of the day is good or bad, there are usually personal emotions involved. The partner who shares his/her experiences usually expect to be listened to and with his/her emotions received and understood. Such interactions can go sour when one partner shares or returns feedback in a way that is hard for the other partner to digest or comprehend. For example, the sharing may sound like a complaint or a blame.  When this unpleasant conversation repeats for a long period of time, both players get worn out and lose the ability to receive the emotions of each other.

To be more descriptive, when two people fall in love, they have so much to share with each other and will put their heart into listening to each other’s experiences and will introduce own feelings and thoughts into the conversation at ease. They also welcome the other partner’s any feeling and thought. At times, one can even finish the other’s sentences because they are so into reading each other’s mind and emotions. Both enjoy the playful and emotional interaction. When life becomes complicated and work pressure increases, both become less capable and  less motivated in the personal interaction with each other.  The weaker one gets, the higher expectation one has towards the other to fix the problem. One’s sharing becomes more like a complaint, a blame or even criticism and anger, without regards to the other’s feelings and capability of comprehension and understanding.  Sometimes, one even expects the other to prove his/her love by accepting the complaint, blame, and criticism. Such emotional outburst is just like in the tennis game, when one player hit the ball all over the place without regard to the other player’s possibility to receive the ball.

If you still care for the marriage or partnership, please remember why you enter the marriage or the partnership in the first place.  Please create a space for the personal interaction to continue fairly and continuously and try to consciously share experiences and issue messages that are comprehensible and in return to reply each other with understanding.  Both partners need to be reminded that this interaction exists for love and is full of all kinds of emotions crying for understanding and acceptance.

The authoritative expert on marriage counselling, Dr. John Gottman, in his work “What Makes Love Last？How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal” proposed the four interactive attitudes that will hurt the relationship. They are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. It is comprehensible that when one keeps criticize the other, and issue contempt, the other will gradually become defensive and distant. When both partners start emotional abuse by refusing to talk to each other, this is an endless cycle and predicts the end of the relationship. If you and your partner cannot stop the malicious cycle on your own, you may need a professional help like couple counselling to help you two to turn the interactive cycle into a healthy one. 

Reference: 

Gottman, John & Silver, Nan (2013), What Makes Love Last? How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal, published by Simon & Schuster.