Relational Fog

In the middle of the night, you may again have a hard time falling asleep because you keep thinking the following: 

“Have I done something wrong to make he/her treat me this way?”

“Am I not important to him/her anymore?”

“What more can I do to win him/her back?”

“Am I no good at all? Am I just a failure?”

 

However, you feel anger inside your stomach and start crying out in your mind:

“Why cannot he/she see how hard I have devoted to our relationship?”

“Why do I feel being used at his/her convenience?”

“How come he/she always show favors to others over me? Am I not his/her most significant other?”

 

Immediately, you come up with excuses for him/her in your mind, saying:

“He/she must be in a lot of stress from work.”

“He/she needs me and he/she is just not an expressive person.”

“If he/she can show his/her dark side to me without fear, he/she must have trusted me completely.”

 

Now as tormented as you are, you seem to remember how you used to be a happy and worry-free person with great hope and dreams before entering this relationship. When you engaged, you thought you found a partner who would understand, cherish and appreciate you. Now you are not sure of anything anymore. You ask yourself, is it because he/she has changed or because you have done something wrong to make him/she unhappy with you?

 

You start to look for answers. And the online articles or your friends and family would probably say one of the following:

1. “He/her has a condition! You should leave this toxic relationship.” 

Yes, violence through bodily contact, language abuses, and also emotional abuses such as gaslighting and emotional blackmail using fear, obligation and guilt (FOG) are all types of violence or power dominance in relationship. Since it may take years to help an abusive partner to admit and change, you have better run and protect yourself from this harmful relationship.

2. “You should examine yourself and see if your insecurity has to do with your family you grew up with or has to do with your adverse childhood experiences (ACEs).” 

Yes, childhood abuses and emotional neglect, or teenage trauma can cause your hard time trusting others or trusting yourself. So you have to understand the source of your insecurity and rebuild the trust in others and in yourself. Then you may share with your partner this vulnerable part of you and decide together how to move on.

3. “You and your partner may not be a match to begin with, but love conquers all.”

Yes, if you and your partner would communicate and make compromises, you may still have a chance to have a wonderful relationship.

 

Despite these suggestions, you are still confused, because you cannot figure out on your own which is your situation. That is, you still wonder,

1. “Is it that he/she has a condition, or that I need to fix my wound from my childhood experiences, or that both my partner and I have to sacrifice some needs in order to stay together?”

 

And if you do believe that he/she has a condition, you are yet to figure out the following:

2. “Is it possible for me to find ways to help him/her change?”
3. “If there is no way to help him/her change, can I choose to leave the relationship? Do I have to stay for him/her as a good partner should do for better or worse?”

 

You feel unhappy and uncomfortable and feel that it is not right to go on like this. But because you still care about this relationship and care about your partner, you feel stuck and don’t know what to do next. If you feel this way long enough, YOU ARE IN A FOGGY RELATIONSHIP! You need to talk to someone about your situation and confusion and get them clarified. Only when you can finally ask the right questions, you will then have a chance to find your way out of the foggy relationship.